This essay represents a milestone in my self-prescribed literary grief therapy process. Somewhere within this piece, the cumulative count of words that have issued forth from my heart onto these pages will reach 20,000! What, you may ask, is the significance of this number? From a pragmatic point of view, the suggested target length of a self-published non-fiction book is around 40,000-70,000 words. So, this milestone potentially represents something approaching the halfway mark if that were the goal.
For me, the writing is, first and foremost, a way for me to express thoughts and feelings that were either unspoken or poorly communicated while you were still alive. The saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” has a different meaning when the separation involves death. And so, I write my words as though speaking to you in part to maintain a connection with you, but also to purge myself of remorse and regrets for not having said them to you in person.
This experience of loss and grief has opened the floodgates of my heart to release both tears and words. Sometimes the words produce tears, and sometimes they soothe and bring relief. Sometimes they do both things at once. And the words will remain after the tears have gone.
So, I am collecting and compiling these words and essays written to you in part as my own personal grief therapy, to share, in tribute to you, with others who have lost someone dear. In some ways 20,000 words seems like a lot. Upon reflection, however, there has been much to say when contemplating the entirety of our past life together in the present and future life without you. A wise person recently told me that “the best writing comes from the author’s experience, especially when deep emotions are the well from which to draw.” It has been nearly seven months now since you died; and I am finding that my well is deep.
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