Today, Mark and I burned the pile of tree limbs and debris that had been accumulating in the front pasture for the past year and a half or so. This particular pile is symbolic in that it represents the last one that overlapped with your presence here. We had planned to burn it last December when we were originally planning to have your Celebration of Life Service here at the farm. But the plans changed due to the weather, so it didn’t get burned; and has sat here slowly expanding with new additions of downed tree limbs and other debris and combustible farm detritus.
As I sit on the front porch and watch the wisp of smoke rising from the smoldering mound of ash and dirt, I can’t help but think that this is yet another milestone in the journey from “with you to without you.” Most people wouldn’t understand this sense of connection to you in an inanimate pile of tree limbs. While you may not have personally dragged any limbs to this pile yourself, a portion of it was done by me, Sydney, and Jenna under your direction and supervision. So, the act of burning this pile feels a little bit like letting a piece of you go.
Also, there is significance to fire that consumes the contents of the pile. Fueled with a mixture of gasoline and diesel fuel, there is an initial explosive whoosh and intense ignition phase of flame and heat which consumes the smaller dry material. Then, there is a longer period of secondary burning as the larger and wetter pieces get involved. Finally, there is a long smoldering phase as the ash and lingering burning pieces in the collapsed pile slowly dissipate.
The phases of the fire which burns the pile are similar to the stages of grief. In a few days, it will be 11 months since you died. I think I will have many words to say at the one year anniversary, but for now, as I watch the smokey remnants of this burn pile, I can honestly say that I feel my grief has reached the smoldering phase.
moving