Tomorrow will mark the seventh month since you have been gone. Although your physical presence is missing, in many ways, things in the house are much the same as when you were last here. We have slowly started to collect and put away some of your things from common areas such as your shoes and boots, wind/rain jackets, and hats in the “shoe room”. The girls went through your dresser drawers when everyone was here after your Celebration of Life and cleaned much of that out.
Today is the day I am cleaning out your side of the closet. Standing here amongst all the clothes that you wore; I can almost feel your presence as I touch and smell the fabric hoping for a lingering hint of you. Some of the clothes trigger casual memories of you wearing them, or in some cases, remembrances of specific events. You were so beautiful!
I have all of your clothes from the closet separated and organized in neat, folded piles on your side of the bed. Not surprisingly, the largest piles are those with riding pants, jeans, and active wear (yoga pants, sun shirts, running shorts, etc.). You also have some nice stylish tops, pajamas/lounge wear, sweaters, and sweatshirts. I will have Sydney and Jenna look through these to see if there are any that they would like to keep. We will bag up the rest and take to Goodwill or something similar to pass along to others who might find use of them.
I went through all the pockets as I handled the clothes and found a collection of your ever-present stash of lip balms, gum, and lozenges. That made me laugh a little. I had hoped such searching might turn up your missing wedding ring, but to no avail. I still believe it will be found, but most likely in some unexpected, serendipitous way, rather than an intentional search.
Cleaning out the closet seems like a significant milestone, both in a literal sense, as well as within the realm of the grief process. It marks a tangible step to remove personal items that no longer serve a useful purpose other than being reminders of you. The reality is that you are no longer here to wear these clothes; and keeping them in the closet takes up needed space on the hangers and shelves, and perhaps, in a way, in my heart. Having said all that, and recognizing that this may sound strange, or even weird, to some, I think, just for tonight, I will kick Koda out and sleep instead with the piles of your clothes from the closet beside me on your side of the bed. Maybe you will join me there!
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