Today is the first day of 2023. The first day of the first new year without you. I was praying that God would give us more time together to enjoy each other in a renewed marriage relationship - literally saved by cancer. But that was not the plan.
It makes me sad to think of all the things we won’t see and do together this year: To start a new healthier lifestyle together; To be there for Jenna’s graduation and to see what’s in store next for Sydney; To travel and visit Hailey and Alyson and other family and friends all over; To watch you in pursuing your passion with horses and teaching; To plan and implement farm improvements together. These are just a few of the things that we will not be able to do together.
The last year and a half of fighting cancer was the hardest thing I have ever been through. But at least I could reach out and touch you and hold you. I fear this next year will be even harder fighting the grief that comes with your absence.
As I think about the coming days, weeks, and months, I am painfully aware of how much I took you for granted. You were the family planner, organizer, and farm manager. I will miss your “to do lists” and chore reminders. Your diligence in keeping up with the things that make this family and farm beautiful and thriving.
But, yesterday, I watched Sydney and Jenna sit down together on their own to talk about chores delegation and schedule. And in that moment, I realized that you are not gone completely; and things will be okay because of the way you poured yourself in to us.
And so, I look to this new year with much sadness at what is lost, but also a measure of hope because of the parts of you we each carry inside us. I’m not sure I can honestly say “Happy New Year” for 2023, but I will say “Here’s to the New Year” and “may it bring comfort, peace, and healing for all of us”!