There are so many “firsts” in the grief process. The most obvious are those first passages of events and milestones that we associate with the person who is gone, either individually or as a couple. Birthdays, wedding anniversaries, specific holidays (Valentines Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day) are examples of these. Beyond this, there are the major holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years that are usually marked by joyful and festive family gatherings where you will be missed. And then there are the “firsts” associated with milestones in the normal progression or expansion of family members that you will not bear witness to: high school and college graduations, weddings, pregnancies, and births of grandchildren.
In the 5-1/2 months since you died we have already experienced many “firsts” without you:
· Christmas
· New Years
· Wedding Anniversary
· Valentines Day
· My Birthday
· Your Birthday
· Easter
· Mother’s Day
· Hailey’s pregnancy Announcement
· Hailey’s First Baby Shower
· Jenna’s High School Graduation
But today, as I contemplate some of my own health issues and upcoming tests and procedures, I had a different thought about “firsts” that I will be facing without you. Who will be my driver to/from appointments? Who will sit with me in the recovery rooms and help me to the bathroom or with getting dressed? Who will be my helper and caregiver at home during recoveries? These are all things that usually default to a spouse that are taken for granted until you don’t have that person anymore. I fear there are many other aspects of “firsts” that I have yet to discover on this journey.
Thankfully, I am not alone. I am blessed with family and good friends that I can lean on for help in these times. But in truth, I am sad that it won’t be your face to wake up to and your hand to hold.
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