Today I read and commented on a post from someone in the Cancer Caregiver Support Group that I joined when you were sick. The caregiver was struggling with pain management for her husband, and there were many similarities to our experience. I felt compelled to share our struggles and how we navigated working with the palliative care doctor and nurse for your pain management up to the time when you went into Hospice Care.
In an instant, I was taken back to those days where you were in pain and needing more medicine. I was struggling to follow the current protocol and torn between seeing you suffer and being the one you blamed for not giving you what you needed. I hated that I had to lock up the pain medications and be your dispenser and monitor to keep you from taking extra doses.
Despite what you may have felt or expressed, I never meant to diminish your pain. I know it was real. And I never wanted to be the person that you felt was standing in the way or depriving you of relief. It was an untenable situation; trying to balance your relative comfort against the risk of something potentially worse. All in all, I think I did a pretty good job; and I hope that looking back on it now, you would agree.
I hate that we went through this and that you are gone. But I will never be the same for the experience of loving and caring for you through your sickness. I hope that, in some small way, my comment sharing our experience with that current desperate caregiver was helpful.
I miss you terribly but am glad that you are free from the pain!
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