Today is Alyson’s 26th birthday, and also the first of the girls’ “first” birthdays without you. Though we are separated by nearly 2,500 miles and 3 time zones, the connection between parent and child is never stronger than on the day that marks their birth. This is especially true for mothers, who indelibly carry the memory of each child’s birth in their heart.
Remarkably, it is not the months of physical discomfort and bodily changes associated with pregnancy, nor the intense pains of active labor and delivery, or even the challenges of postpartum recovery that are remembered most vividly. Instead, it is the moment of pure relief, joy and happiness at the successful outcome with a healthy baby laid at the breast that is forever ingrained in a mother’s heart from that day forward.
So it is, I think, with grief of a child for their mother lost too soon. Though the relationship between mothers and daughters is sometimes messy and complicated, grief has a way of softening the edges of traumas resulting from past actions or words (or, in some cases, the lack thereof). Like childbirth, the grief associated with loss causes acute pain and sadness for a time, freshened on occasions of special significance or “firsts” such as a birthday.
The first-time absence of your familiar maternal voice saying “Happy Birthday” will be felt in the marrow of the heart. But, thankfully, with time, there can be healing of old wounds, fading of the sadness over what is lost, and a growing sense of warmth associated with the increased awareness of and appreciation for the memories of happy times shared over the years.
That is my birthday wish for Alyson today and for each of the girls as they navigate their first birthdays without you.
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