You always said the bedspread/comforter/duvet/duvet cover, or whatever the heck it’s called, was your only domain for having something flowery and less masculine in our house. And I was happy to go along with that small request over the years. For the most part you did not go too crazy with the choices. Some I liked better than others. But to be totally honest, I really did not like the last pattern you picked out for the duvet cover and pillow shams while you were sick! But the last thing I wanted to do at that point was upset you, so I just let it go.
Now that you are gone, I am ready to make a change to something more masculine without dainty little flowers or pastel colors. Perhaps something with a bit of texture in a nice boring khaki or tan. I wonder if this is part of the grief process. Is the act of me reclaiming the bedroom decorating scheme an attempt to move on by removing something that we shared and that reminds me of you? Is it an act of defiance to get rid of something you picked out that I didn’t like? Is it selfish for me to want to make a change? I think the answer to all these questions is “yes”, to some degree.
Part of moving on means living in the present and not in the past. The old bedding holds negative energy for me because I can’t help associating it with you being sick, not to mention the fact that I just don’t like it. Choosing to take the action of making a change, even one as small as the bedding, is an act of defiance and selfishness in that it validates that I am thinking about myself in a world without you rather than living in a past surrounded by things that remind me of you.
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