The smallest things can trigger flashbacks and memories of you. Today it was the sound of a single beep as I pushed the button on the remote to unlock the car. One beep unlocks only the driver’s side door. A second beep after quickly pressing the button in succession unlocks the remaining passenger doors, which leads me to you.
For 15 months I was your chauffeur - faithfully driving you wherever you needed to go. Early on, while you were still trying to juggle working and teaching lessons with the chemotherapy treatments and doctor visits, we spent every other weekend on the road making the circuit to your students in Jacksonville, MacClenny, Alachua, and High Springs/Gainesville. And there were seemingly endless trips for treatments and appointments for blood work, scans, and oncology visits, as well as several trips to the Emergency Room and hospital.
As the driver, one of my responsibilities was to unlock the passenger side door for you to get in. So, I had to get used to clicking the button twice in rapid succession, “Beep Beep”, before you reached your door so that you didn’t have to stand there any longer than necessary. It became a source of pride to make sure to hear those two beeps before you reached your door. And, for a long time after you were no longer a passenger, I still automatically pushed the button twice, “Beep Beep”, as though expecting to see you there.
Today, however, as I returned to the parked car after an appointment, without thinking, I pushed the button only once, “Beep”. And just like that I had a vision of you standing there beside the passenger door with your hand on the handle looking at me and waiting for me to unlock your door and allow you to climb in. Instinctively, I did a quick double tap on the button, “Beep Beep”, to unlock the remaining doors as if to let you in.
Perhaps there is some significance in the solo beep today with respect to my grief process after 6-1/2 months. I still miss you deeply, and I think about you every day. But your absence is becoming less consuming and less debilitating. Normal daily life is starting to coexist with your memory. And there is something else that has changed. It is as though the prescription for my eyeglasses has changed to see less of the painful, sad, or unhappy memories.
Grief is a great equalizer for those left behind in that it helps filter out and separate us from the pain and sadness of loss, but also from the flaws and imperfections of the past in terms of relationships between husband and wife, parent, and child, and even friends. Old wounds are healed; anger and hurt turn to regret and perhaps even posthumous forgiveness. The result of this evolution is a heart that chooses to focus on the good things and warm memories of the absent person. I am definitely somewhere on that path. Despite our individual and relational imperfections, there was so much that was good in our life together!
Having said all of that, however, I think I will continue the practice of two beeps a while longer as a simple reminder of you - at least until the remote battery runs out. “Beep Beep”
Σχόλια