The duration of a normal pregnancy is 40 weeks, or nine months. In that time a baby develops from its germinal beginning and progresses through the intricate marvels of the embryonic and fetal stages all within the protected environment of the mother’s womb. When the time comes, the baby must leave the safety and comfort of the womb and be introduced to the harsh realities of the world outside.
In a way, grief is kind of like pregnancy, only in reverse. Grief starts when someone dies, which is the opposite of birth. The process of grieving is essentially the emotional decomposition of the person who has gone from an active state of being to a functional memory. As in pregnancy, there are stages in that backward transformation between physical presence and absence. We must endure and navigate the stages of grief to reach its conclusion.
But unlike pregnancy, grief does not yield the physical birth of a new individual life. Instead, it molds the surviving person into someone who is able to exist and carry on in a new life without the person who died. To continue the metaphor, the conclusion of grief is the shrinking away of the debilitating effects of the loss.
So, what does grief look like after nine months? In my experience, it takes longer to process the loss of someone dear than the time it takes to carry a baby to term. I am currently standing at the nine-month mark, and, although I think that I am moving along at a reasonable pace, I honestly don’t feel that I am anywhere close to “full term.” I still think of you and our life together as more than just memory. I am learning to live in the present without you, but I have not yet turned the corner of looking ahead to a future without you. I’m still holding on to some of my sadness and loneliness and often look for you through tear-filled eyes in the warm glow of the candle I still burn for you every night. I am well past the point of life stopping in its tracks and feel like I am slowly building up speed and moving in a forward direction. But I am still in the mode of looking back at where I’ve been instead of focusing on where I’m going.
My “grief baby” is not ready to be born quite yet. In the meantime, I will continue to cherish memories of our life together, and to look for and see the gifts and blessings you have given me in life and in death.
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